Yada Yada Yada

The blog’s kinda boring right now. I know. Things are going pretty well with E, which doesn’t leave a lot of room for tragic first dates. So I’m not really that sorry.

We had drinks on Tuesday after my class and then hung out at my house for a bit. Yada, yada, yada… We have plans to go to a party on Saturday night for a friend’s birthday.

I found this article last week and it was just what I needed when I was in the throes of being anxious about not hearing from E. http://www.danoah.com/2014/02/so-you-want-to-date-a-single-dad.html. It sort of confirmed what I was feeling was probably happening. I had gotten a little caught up in Rules-y thinking. Dumb. I can tell that this is working, for now, and for what it is, so I’m just choosing to relax.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out, E’s been talking pretty freely in terms of things we’ll do together in the future (relax, like, a few weeks down the road future, not anything creepy). I’m happy. Which feels especially lovely since exactly a year ago, I was a total disaster following a really terrible breakup. Which is a story for another day. Today, Happy.

He got soda

I called E on Friday night.

We decided that we’d play the weekend by ear. We were both invited to a party for mutual friends on Saturday night, but I had already made plans to go out of town. Then we got mega-snow and the roads were terrible, so I was thinking I might not go to the cabin in the woods. So, he suggested that if I didn’t go north, we could see one another at the party. Where he was going with his daughter. Eek! I for sure wasn’t ready for that. I am often kind of awkward and weird at parties in general. It would only be worse to add on meeting E’s kid for the first time. I’m just not ready for that.

Then he said maybe could come over to his place after bedtime on Sunday. This seemed like a much better option, as far as I was concerned. Avoidance is often the best strategy, I find. I told him I’d let him know my plan on Saturday – one way or the other.

Saturday came and I texted him that I wasn’t going to make the party, but would still love to come over on Sunday night. He said that would be great.

So. Last night I went over to his house. It was kind of like a kid explosion meets bachelor pad. Kind of sweet, actually. We hung out for a couple of hours. It was lovely, if a little weird to me that the kid was just a closed door away as we were making out on the couch… I guess I just need to take his lead here. I have no idea what I’m doing. I do feel confident now, though, that he’s into me. He told me that last Saturday was a bright spot in an otherwise not so great weekend. And that he had been excited/nervous for me to come over last night. Oh, and he bought me soda water. In case I wanted a vodka.

I just need to remember that he has a lot going on. No more taking it personally when I don’t hear anything for a few days. We do already have a plan to meet tomorrow night, and then I asked him to come with me to a party next weekend. I think things are moving forward. Which is kind of good-scary. Mostly good.

Que Sera Sera

I don’t really have much to report. I haven’t talked to E since Monday. He texted, we went back and forth about when we might get together, I said we should make a plan, maybe for Friday. Then nothing. He’s got the kid this weekend, so I am thinking we won’t see each other. Which is fine. I just feel like I was left hanging. I did finally call him last night. Ugh. Left a message. Then he called back, but I was out until kind of late, so I just texted him letting him know that and saying that we should talk today.

And I’m totally bringing the awkward. Seriously. When I called him yesterday, it was like I was 13 calling a boy for the first time. So nervous. Felt like I was going to throw up. Left a shaky voice message. I mean, really? I’m 34 years old. But the internet told me that I am not supposed to call a man. Ever. I can kind of see the logic, but it’s not as if I’m calling this guy 7 times a day. I think he just needs a little nudge sometimes. Right? Sigh.

I’m at a bit of a loss at this point. My impression is that he is into me. But he just sort of disappears. My working theory is that he contacts me only when he’s ready to make a plan of some sort (and often falls off the grid the week before he has his daughter… Hmm… patterns are emerging…). If a plan doesn’t quite fall into place, he disappears. Until I contact him. Which just makes me think he’s not that into me. But then I give him the benefit of the doubt because of the kid and because he’s not done this for a while and seems kind of clueless.

I’m working on having a que sera attitude. And I really think that writing this down helped me get a little closer. Most people might write about their neuroses privately, like in a diary,  to work through things. I’m sharing mine publicly. Which probably also says something about how neurotic I am. Whatever. It’s my process.

So, I’m going to try him back tonight at what I assume must be after bedtime. We’ll see how it goes.

Ghosts of dates past: Can’t start a fire without a spark

I think I will work on occasionally posting a story from the archives. This means dates I went on long ago or not so very long ago, but that for better or worse, shaped my dating perspective.

I have been playing some Tinder. For those unfamiliar, it’s a ridiculous app where you look at someone’s photo(s). If you think they are reasonably attractive they get a heart. If not they get an X. If I heart a guy and they heart me back, we are notified that we are a match. 97% of the time that’s it. But sometimes, a conversation begins. I have been out with 2 Tinder matches. Here’s the cautionary tale from one of those:

A few months ago, C and I messaged on Tinder for a while. He was funny. And thought I was funny. It was great. Then he gave me his number and we texted on our phones. We texted about sports, and our days, and all kinds of things. Daily. For 2.5 weeks. This should have been a huge red flag, but I chose to ignore it. Why wasn’t this guy calling me? Or asking me out? I wondered… And wondered…

Are you done?

I chalked the not-calling up to the way the dating world seems to work these days. No one actually speaks on the phone anymore, it’s all texting all the time. Which is sort of a problem – remember this guy? So I finally say, “hey, I think that we should probably actually hang out in person sometime.” He agrees and we set a date to go to trivia on a Wednesday night.

Finally the day arrived. I was very excited. I couldn’t wait to meet this guy who was obviously the man of my dreams. I got there a few minutes early and grabbed a cocktail. Then he showed up. He wasn’t quite what I was expecting. Kind of schlumpier than what his, admittedly a bit hazy, photos seemed to indicate.

Then he started talking. At first I couldn’t quite place what was going on. He sounded a bit off, but it was loud and I thought I might be imagining things. Then he said something about being from the “east side,” and I thought that he must be from the east coast! Of course! So I ask and he says no. The east side of St. Paul. Oh. Then I finally realize. It’s a speech impediment. Like, a pretty serious one. And as I’m leaning in to try to understand what he’s saying, I catch the breath. This guy needs a root canal, I think. Or at least some listerine.

Trivia starts and I am regretting agreeing to something that requires such a commitment of time. The questions start. It does not go well. I felt like I was in school and trying to coax a correct answer out of my study partner, who is chronically totally wrong. About every question. That I do actually know the answer to. Ugh. It was not good.

Finally it was over. We got our score. I paid for our drinks while he was in the bathroom so that we wouldn’t even need to have that conversation. Walked out, had an awkward hug and went our separate ways.

This was supposed to teach me a lesson about never going out with a guy that I haven’t talked to on the phone. I have since broken that rule on every date I’ve gone on, except with E. Huh.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

I made lasagna. It was pretty good. E came over just after 7. The roomie, S, and another friend (who was drunk from drinking the alcohol all day) were still there, but leaving to go to a party eventually. We drank some wine and ate some cheese. Dined on lasagna while S and drunkie were loud and hanging about. But then they left and we were able to go relax in the living room.

I ran to the bathroom and then he said he had to tell me something. Christ. Really? What? Arg! So scary. Then he said it was kind of weird and that a similar situation happened on Seinfeld… Umm… Ok… Heart is now beating uncomfortably rapidly. What is happening? Did he steal a mail truck? Is he in the midst of litigation with a coffee company? Are the library police after him? Then he told me. It was his birthday. Relief. I hadn’t remembered that episode (Jerry ends up on a first date with a woman who reveals it’s her birthday), but can see how he thought it would make me uncomfortable. He said that he had been out for drinks with his buddies the night before and they were maybe giving him a bit of a hard time about it. But that he really doesn’t do much birthday celebrating and he would rather have dinner with me than do anything else. Melt. Puddle on the floor. swooning

Then we watched a bit of a movie and chatted and laughed and made out a bit and generally had a lovely time. I was weird and awkward. He was gracious and normal. For the most part. Maybe he’s really super-weird and I just don’t notice because I’m busy trying to be normal. Hard to say.

No next date set up yet specifically. He has the kid this weekend, so I don’t necessarily expect that we’ll see each other. We were texting a bit last night, though, and might try to figure something out for Friday night?

Taking a beat.

I’m struggling to navigate how much to share here. I wasn’t expecting to start this blog and then have my next first date turn into several more dates. This was supposed to just be a fun and funny jaunt through my misadventures in dating. Mostly first date-ing. Sometimes maybe a second if the guy didn’t totally piss me off.

But now I’ve had 6 dates with E. And it is extra hard to write about since we have mutual friends. If it was some random creepy guy from OKCupid I would have no problem spewing every detail. But this is someone that my friends actually know. And that I actually like. I’ve told some of our mutual friends about this blog (let’s be honest – a really good day is 2-3 visits, so there are very few actual readers – but, still). And I don’t really want him to know about the blog. But I keep telling people about it, which I’m sure is not such a big deal, but maybe it is. I just don’t know. I’m in a bit of a pickle, I think. All this just to say: I’m likely to keep writing about my current situation for the time being, but might change the format a bit if things continue with E.

So. All that just to say stay tuned for the update on Saturday night’s date!… coming soon…

That is brand new information

Such a very good date last night with E. There were about 4 people in the bar when we arrived at 7:30. So, you know, pretty quiet. Like pin drop quiet. But we just grabbed a drink and a table and chatted while we waited for the music to start.

We bonded over the horror of apartment building laundry. Then he told me that he’s moving out of his apartment in 6 weeks. I knew that he moved around quite a bit following the separation, and wondered where he was off to now. Then, he tells me that he owns the house that the ex has been living in. And that she is moving out and he’s moving back in! Hooray! I think?…

Ok – Timeout. I just did a little bit of digging through the archives and discovered that I have not yet told about how after our second date I Facebook-sleuthed (that’s how you politely indicate that you’ve done some stalking) and figured out who his ex is. And that it’s someone I actually met! Like 10 years ago. We had a book club at this girl’s house who I maybe had met once before, but didn’t really know. She was friends with some of my friends, so I went along. E does not know, I don’t think, that I know who his ex is or that we’ve ever met. So that’s weird. I immediately emailed L to ask her if it was weird. She told me that the ex has not been hanging out due to bad behavior (affair, maybe? details are hazy) that led to the end of the marriage. Aha. So. Now I know all of this but he doesn’t know that I know. Great.

So. He is moving back into his house. Where I went to book club ten years ago. What I’m really wondering and hoping for is that this also means something about where his divorce stands? Like, him getting the house back has something to do with some sort of formal settlement? Maybe?

We listened to some music – then he drove me home. Looked for a parking spot… Hmm… “Does this mean that you would like to come in?” I asked politely during our standard make out across the center console in his sedan. “Are you inviting me?” Seriously, dude? At this point I am so done awkwardly kissing in the front seat of a car. Roommate and sister, S, is in the bathroom. We go to the couch and I try to talk about a sweater I’m knitting for a stupid minute. I don’t know. Vodka. There’s making out on the sofa. He left around midnight. Which is fine – we both needed to be at work by 8 this morning.

We did set up a date for tomorrow night. I wondered if he wanted to come over and I would cook for him. Again, vodka. So. I’m making a lasagne tomorrow night. He’s going to bring some wine. Maybe a sleepover this time?…

Breaking the rules

I heard from E. Tuesday morning. I’m still feeling a little bit unsure, but we have a date set. I’m totally bailing on my book club (hey, H! Sorry!), but I do go pretty much every time and there are only so many nights E is available. What with the kid. Oh, and I don’t think there is a dog, actually. I think maybe the ex got the dog? Or maybe the dog is dead? Who knows.

In any case, I guess there are some things a woman is supposed to do to make a man interested in her and want to date her. For example:

  1. Don’t text him first. If he’s interested he’ll be in touch, otherwise he’s just not that into you. Fine. I get it. Isn’t there more to the story here, though? E has a kid. That he was responsible for from Friday-Monday. So I’m not his number one priority. Did it suck when I didn’t hear from him? Absolutely. But. I like this guy. What do I have to lose by sending him a quick message to ask how his weekend was? Is it really better to just sit and stew wondering why he hasn’t called? I think not.
  2. Never cancel plans in order to spend time with a guy. He’ll be more interested if you are only available if he contacts you well in advance. Here’s the thing. Generally, yes, I agree. And I’m trying to get over my guilt at doing it this time. BUT. I haven’t seen him in over a week. And he wants to go with me to see bluegrass music. And he’s ditching his usual Thursday night plans (basketball with his buddies).
  3. Don’t think about him. If you think about him, he’ll know you’re thinking about him, and then he won’t have to chase you and you may as well just give up at ever having a nice evening with a reasonably normal, attractive, not-skinky gentleman ever again. So, apparently, somehow this guy is going to intuit that I wish he would call me. And then decide that I am clearly desperate and high-maintenance and not worth the effort. Really? And I’m supposed to not notice that I wish he would call me by going and living my life and having hobbies and doing things with my friends. Great. I knit. I socialize with others. I exercise. You know what else I do? Wonder about what a guy might be up to and wish he would call me.
  4. Don’t have sex with him on the first date. Ok. This one I’ve managed. Mostly because we just make out in the car like we’re 16 and I have to be home by curfew. Except that one time, when we made out on the couch like my parents were on vacation. I don’t know when we’ll finally have a sleepover. Or if we will.

Tomorrow night could be a disaster. Who knows. But tomorrow night wouldn’t be happening if I hadn’t reached out just to say hello and check in. So the “rules” can bite me. I’m going to see some bluegrass.

Is it over yet?

I wish the title of this could just be audio of that trombone(?) that goes “Wahh, wahh, wahh, waaaahhhh”. You know that one? When something sad happens on like Looney Toons or something? Here it is: Sad Trombone. In any case, it’s sad days here at DIAD.

So now I just don’t know. I have heard nothing from my old pal E. And I’m kind of bummed about it. Really bummed. I’m pretty sure that since I haven’t heard anything since we were out on Tuesday, I’m not going to. Boo.

The worst part is trying not to keep coming up with reasons he may not have called. And that I should really just get in touch with him. It just feels so unresolved. Has it been long enough that it’s just a shrug and move on? That seems like a waste. But if he’s not that into it, then there’s really nothing I can do, I suppose.

I’m super annoyed with the whole situation. What the hell, dude? I think 4 dates warrants a conversation. But I don’t want to have to call him to have that conversation. He should be calling me. Whether to just chat, to ask me out again or to say he’d rather not see me ever again. Right? The point is (there is no point; I am just going to keep circling the drain on this one): MAKE CONTACT. Text me. Call me. Whatever. This leaving me hanging business is just infuriating.

In other news, I’ve gained 15 pounds. This, combined with the passive rejection, is making me feel extra desirable and sexy. Nothing like starting a diet when all I really want to do is drown my sorrows in wine and macaroni.

Also, I popped by OKCupid today. Just to really kick myself while I’m down. I think I probably shouldn’t do that anymore.

Sorry for the sad post. Will be on track with more fun in the coming days I’m sure. Valentine’s Day is always especially delightful for the single gal.