What’s Going On?

Something feels weird with E, I think. I’m feeling a little distance, and I’m not entirely sure what that’s about. I can’t even point to anything specific, it’s just kind of a feeling that something isn’t quite right… We went out for dinner on Saturday (the first time I’d seen him since surgery), and then to his house to watch a movie. I stayed over. It was all fine, but felt a little strange. I attributed it to the surgery and him still being in some pain, but it also still felt like something more than that.

We went to watch basketball for an hour or two yesterday, before he had to go into work late. We talked and laughed and kissed in the car. We did not make a plan for the next time we’d hang out, but he did mention something about later this week… I still feel like something is off.

I’m giving it another week or two before I do anything about it. I’m hoping that once he’s back in his house and his back is feeling better things will even out a bit. Or not. This last week and a half have been strange. I’m really not sure how I feel about it all, which is why I haven’t written in so long. For now, just a holding pattern…



I feel like this is big news, but I’m not that jazzed about writing about it, because it ended up being not that big a deal. I met the kid. On Saturday night. I didn’t know I was going to meet her. Got a text from E saying that they were just going to be hanging out, and if I wanted to meet her, I could come over around 7. If not, after 8. 

I got a minor case of the panics. But was able to calm myself and shoot off a couple of texts to find out what to do. Then S came home, so she was there to proof my response. Which was that I’d love to meet her and I’d see them around 7. AAAACK!!!

Wow, I’m old. I typed that AAAACK!!! and immediately thought of the old comic ‘Cathy’. Which is extra terrifying, because, oh my god, I think I am her. I just googled it. And now I’m Cathy: 34-something year old, never-married, always-dieting, career-woman cliche. This is terrible.

Moving on. I have never been so nervous to meet a six year old. But I got there, and E came down to let me in. Told me that she was working on making up a game for us to play. A round of the made-up game, one Uno and an Old Maid (ugh) later, and it was time for bed. She showed me her room and some of her artwork.

Then we had adult time with wine. It was a lovely evening.


It was good. And super-laid back and not a big deal. Which was perfect. It seems like it should be such a big deal and a major milestone, but it just sort of happened. Quietly. That’s something that I’m really appreciating more and more about E. Nothing has needed to be a big production. It’s moving forward, but there isn’t a lot of fanfare or production. It’s easy. There are so many things that should make this too difficult, but it’s just not. 

E has surgery tomorrow. I am not sure when I’ll see him next. I told him I would need some confirmation that he’s ok post-procedure. We’ll go from there.

Maybe I didn’t need that 4th glass of wine

Saturday night was fun. For me. I had 3 gins at the bar while watching basketball prior to L’s party. Then we went to L’s party and I drank all the wine. And a margarita. I also ate chips. Like, just chips. I sort of forgot about eating anything real since I was busy drinking all the booze. E had only 2 beers over the course of the entire evening and essentially became my chauffeur. I think I read somewhere that men find hungry, sloppy drunk women in their mid-30’s especially attractive. That’s been my experience anyway.

E’s having a small health issue and will have minor surgery next week (he’s totally going to be fine – no big deal, but you know, still surgery). He’s in pain and it makes it difficult for him to sleep. So he left in the wee hours and was very apologetic. I just asked him to confirm that I don’t need to have a complex about it. He said he’d call but I didn’t hear from him Sunday. Or Monday. And I was all zen and not crazy about it. Very unlike me. What the hell.

I got a text last night with him apologizing for being out of touch. That he’s been stressed and hopes I understand. But that he’d like to see me and what was my schedule like? I told him I was glad to hear from him and not to worry, I know he has a lot going on. And that I’m pretty open the rest of the week. And I actually meant it. I know. Who is this person and what has she done with the real me?

He asked if it was ok if he let me know tomorrow (now today), as he is working on a babysitter situation for Friday or Saturday. Um, yeah, that sounds spectacular. I thought we’d be hanging on your couch watching netflix after bedtime, so by all means, plan a real date and let me know.

What I’m mostly confused about is how relaxed I am about all of this. Why am I not in a tizzy wondering what it all means? Why am I not freaking out about why he didn’t call and will he ever or does he even like me I don’t know but it’s probably fine and on and on?… Maybe there are so many red flags here I should worry about. He has so much going on. But he still wants me on the list. I know I’m not at the top and I shouldn’t be. So I’m giving it some space. And not pretend space where I tell myself everything cool while I’m really just obsessing about why I’m not getting a text message. I’m just, like, really not worrying. It feels a little weird, to be honest. I’m leaving the crazy behind for now and trusting that things will work out. It’s pretty nice here, actually.